My Pink Flowers

I'll add the yellow...they kind of count as being pink because I can see pink IN them, right? That counts, doesn't it? I love the way my patio is looking. I wish I had some Hollyhocks growin up the side of my wall, but they'd need dirt, not concrete beneath them!

My little carnations have the sweetest smell, and the pink roses have very little...but the yellow rose - WOW.

Surrogacy - Gift of Family Love

Around 2006 time frame my daughter had a hysterectomy due to endometriosis. I remember sitting in the waiting room for her to come out but not really thinking of the ramifications of the procedure. I didn't want her suffering as she had been, but it also was an end to any future babies she might want. Ah...babies...those little lovable packages that do not stay little for long...and they grow up to become children. People think about having babies, do they ponder children? Teenagers? Nah, we only think on the good side of babies. She and I went to a friend's baby shower and part way through, as the friend was holding up these cute outfits my daughter had to leave. She didn't make a scene, but I knew she was crying. I went outside to find her sitting in the car. She wasn't feeling sorry for herself, but she was feeling what she had lost. She wasn't unhappy for her friend - far from it - she was THRILLED! Nonetheless...she felt her loss. I pondered this quite a bit. Getting pregnant had never been an issue for me. There was a period of time when I considered becoming a surrogate and discussed with my then, young kids. They weren't quite in their teenage years, ages 7, 9 and 11. They were adamant about "NO" because they didn't want me to give up a brother or sister of theirs, no matter how I cut it - if it was MY egg...it was half theirs. I put that thought on a back burner and respect their wishes. Move the clock forward again and now my daughter cannot have a baby, but wanted one. She was in a new relationship and could not give the gift of a child to her new beau. This got me pondering, once more. It was time for my annual OB check up so I opted to go to the same OB/Gyn that she had used on the endometriosis. If that disease was hereditary, may as well treat the mother as well, I figured. I had met the OB several years before, at the birth of my first granddaughter and liked his demeanor. So we do our lovely exam and he asks if I have any questions. I had 2. One - would/could I be a candidate for being a surrogate at my age? I was 47. Not looking to do this for more than one time, but could I do this? Could I be impregnated by his sperm, her egg and carry their child, my grandchild? I got his 2 thumbs up! So my mind is now thinking past a lot of things...and oh, by the way...item #2, I see blood in my stool. It is a wonderful feeling to be told that physically, emotionally and psychologically I am in great shape to be their surrogate. To give the gift of life. This time, the only one that I had talked to about it was my daughter and we left it on the table to be discussed in the 'not too distant future.' I then started thinking of how you approach the work environment. My co-workers all knew I was single - how do you explain a pregnancy from a "responsible adult?" And how would they accept the fact that I was going to be a surrogate? I didn't ponder who would be in delivery with me, that was a given - it would be an incredible family moment, I felt. I was still pondering the work issue - the insurance issue...time off...things I had never pondered before. Funny how a test can change your life. Now we move forward, maybe a year later? My daughter and I were once again at a baby shower for one of her friends and this time it was me who had to excuse herself quietly from the room. I had the hysterectomy due to my cancer and hadn't thought of anything much about it, except that it might eliminate the possibility of some other cancers. Now, for the first time I was coming face-to-face with what I could no longer do for my daughter. I felt as if I had cheated her. The tears were of what I knew I could no longer give my daughter, just as her tears were what she knew she could not give the man she hoped to marry. It was the right thing to do - for both of us - to have the hysterectomies, but it was also something that we both share and do not talk about. I don't have regrets, but every so often I think of the incredible journey we would have shared together. I cry every so often of what I lost out on, but I also know that it was the right decision to make. We cry at what we feel we've lost, when in reality, I have 6 incredible grandchildren that fill me with joy. Each one of my kids has 2 children to give their love to, and the spouses get to share that love...how blessed are we all? Not with what we "lost" but what we give daily.

I love white...

I thought a little more on my love of white - and smiled. Ah, if it makes people wonder about me, no problem! Tonight I got some great news of one of my friend's sister having lymphoma. Not sure if I have the form of cancer correctly but he said she's past the chemo now and is doing great. It fills my soul with so much joy that she's past that hurdle. I learned that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and Jimmy's sister is well on the road to how tough she really IS! I met yet another cancer survivor tonight - he's 9 years past his cancer and seems to be doing wonderfully. He chose to not go through the chemo/radiation treatments. It makes me ponder all the issues of doing chemo vs. not. Psalms 139:13 "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made..." No kidding. No disrespect either - but something so simple, so profound. Our bodies are designed for a purpose, and I don't know what my purpose is in this life...but I'm working every day to be the best that I am. "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why we call it 'The Present'." attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt and I had this posted once before on my Facebook page. Those of us who've gone through a life altering experience understand why today IS a present. It's not a play on the word, it's reality.

Everything is NOT white

Everything isn't white. Isn't white the absence of all color? I have LOTS of shades of colors in my place. My favorite color is actually pink, but if you ask the kids they'll tell you white! I like the natural shades - they're natural. White is so... Ivory Soap - it's 99 44/100 % pure...clean. It floats like those white puffy clouds that remind me of a summer day in Iowa as a kid, hanging out on the farm feeding the animals. The sheets blowing in the wind, knowing when you put them back on the bed you cannot wait to climb in and smell the freshness. You sleep better! White towels to dry off on after taking a bath makes me feel clean. Hey, I use pink soap. I like white pearl earrings, as they make me feel worthy. I think of the oyster (who has a white shell, doesn't it?) who works really hard at this irritation to create this beautiful white sphere. I have pinks, greens, blues and lavenders throughout my things. I love how the white shows them off. Ever notice how striking a little ivy plant looks when it's on a white shelf? It shines out LIFE. White is not death. It doesn't begin to even touch death. If you have to give a color to stress, unhappiness, cancer - what color would it be? For me, it's dark. Sometimes it was black - like a deep hole you are surrounded by...and off in the distance is the white - "come this way." I know of the times in my life when I was unhappy and stressed and things felt out of my control to change. I realized, like that oyster that I could end up with something wonderful if I worked to get out of the darkness. Cancer has some really dark spots in it and if you think about it too much you might sink deeper and deeper inside. I think it was at this time when I really started to pull more white into my life. I painted my bedroom furniture white - to go with my white sheets and pillows. I think for as long as I was in bed I needed to be surrounded by pureness, cleanness. I felt dirty inside, and there isn't anything really clean about how you feel. Yes, I like white. It's a breath of fresh air. I did have white car a while back, but it was totalled in an accident. I got a sapphire one - birthstone, why not? Then a champagne color...little insightful on myself. Funny - my current car is called "Storm Gray" and for the first month of having the new car it rained every day! Ah...it was also the time when I received my cancer diagnosis, too. I've kept telling myself that I'm going to trade it when it's paid off. Will be my 5-year mark of being cancer free. Guilty of thinking, "My next car is going to be the pearlized white!" Go figure, huh? At this point I'm not sure what I will do, but I'm working on the white slip covers for my couch - the kind that might remind you of a marshmallow...that you can sink into it's comfort. I have s deep sage green recliner that reminds me of the forest, peaceful, natural, soothing. I have a fair amount of crystal or glassware. Whether it's my apothecary jars filled with dried white roses with a strand of pearls in it, or the cut crystal decanter full of white and cream antique buttons, or my Swarvoski crystal rose, like me, has been broken but still shines. I don't mind being transparent. I don't mind being clean. I don't mind shining. Now days, when I look in the mirror I even like my reflection. I don't see the dark side. I don't see the unhappiness. I don't see cancer. Hey...I even see my white scar, my badge of honor.

Little Herb Garden

I added some pictures of my lavender and spearmint. I wish you could run your hand through all of these and smell! I love my little herb garden, if nothing more it makes me smile! Here's my very first herb garden. I woud have never known until I planted, but if you rub your hands on the leaves you really get this incredible aroma! Made me want to go fix something, although my herbs need a week or two, I think. Cilantro, Greek Oregano, German Thyme, Sweet Basil and Curled Parsley. I wish you could smell this! I'm looking forward to being able to sit on my patio, watching the sun set with a glass of wine and smelling this incredible aroma!

Spring is finally starting to blossom on my patio.

Not that you can get a good feel of it yet, but there's just a hint of the flowers coming to life. Dare I mention the rabbit that ate my white tulips that had bloomed only a day?

What goes through your mind...

Do you know what goes through your mind when the doctor says, "you have cancer"? Ah, well, they don't say that. They use the big "6th Grade words" and say, "you have Adenocarcinoma." Uh huh. And your mind goes blank. You have the whatthehellisthatsupposedtomean thought going on. And then the light bulb...Harlean had this. Past tense, had it and recovered. If you recovered why does it come back? And when it comes back it's not Adenocarcinom, it's called something different. A different type of cancer. Adenocarcinom, per Wickapedia, is a cancer of an epithelium that originates in glandular tissue. Do you really think it matters WHERE it is? NO. Trust me, no. It didn't matter whether it was in my lymph nodes, my blood, my tissue, my bone marrow...bottom line, I had cancer. What made mine different than Harlean's? What stage was she at when she had her 1st diagnosis? These are questions I didn't know to ask her and now I can't. The day my doctor said, "you have Adenocarcinoma..." her oncologist told her that her cancer, which had been the Adenocarcinoma years earlier, had now spread to her brain. I don't think it spread to her brain, I think it settled there. Let me find a spot...and if she had been alive she and I would have teased about "let's find the weakest spot and settle there." Ah, this woman had an incredible mind! It wasn't the weakest part of her by any means. Why did mine react so favorably to the radiation/chemo and hers seemed to come back after year 1? I don't remember how many years she had this on-going battle. I know of seven. She'd be almost at that mark and be knocked down again. She said she wanted to be buried beside her husband...but she wanted to make sure that she was facing his grave as she was going to haunt him so badly in the afterlife he'd wish he opted for hell. I'm telling you, this woman had a fantastic outlook! She had lung cancer and never smoked. He died, probably because it was the only way to escape her (although they had a great marriage) and he smoked, but he didn't die of lung cancer, he had a heart attack. She said that she was going to haunt him FOREVER, and she'd say it S L O W L Y...for giving her lung cancer. Yes, she knows he didn't give it to her, but we have to blame. Who did I blame? I'm guessing since I had rectal cancer I can think of several people in my life that it might fit...but then again, they're still alive, so guess not. Interesting fact - my cancer did not hurt. I may have been a pain in the ass, but I didn't have one. Not one iota of pain. If it hadn't been for the fact that I was that in tune with my body I wouldn't have even brought it up to my OB/Gyn. I'm not stupid, I knew that something wasn't right within my body, so I asked. No, I didn't WAIT for my OB visit to ask, I actually scheduled it so I could find out about being the surrogate. I have to wonder how many folks wait and wait, and then where do they end up? I miss Harlean. She had a wonderful sense of humor. I was blessed to have her friendship. I don't grieve at her death, but I miss her terribly and I cry. I went to her grave site, although I didn't find it, I drove around and around looking for it. I thought about how ironic it was that she is ALL around me, even if I can't see her. It makes me feel a lot better about dying. I know that I will be missed and if my loved ones think about me, I'm right there in their thoughts. I may be physically gone, but I'm not gone from thoughts. I am also not saying that I'm ready to die yet, but I don't fear it. I'm not ready to embrace it, but on the other hand am very okay with it. Kris Allen has a song that came out after I my cancer, I think, or maybe that's just when we started really hearing it. Live Like We're Dying. My son and his wife sing it all the time, so do the kids. It's powerful. If this is all we've got, if this is all there is - we SHOULD be living like we're dying, shouldn't we? And if this isn't all there is, then we SHOULD be living like we're dying because then we'll be LIVING, not existing in this life. I don't believe this is all there is, but I do believe that I need to get it right in THIS life to help me for what is in store for me.