Four years ago this past month I went in for my routine 'female exam' as we tend to call it. My daughter and I had been discussing her desire to have a baby with her new beau, but her inability to do so because of her hysterectomy. I thought about how incredible it would be to help them have a baby, she was okay with the idea, so I went to my OB/Gyn and talked to him about becoming a surrogate. I got a huge "thumbs up" from him, total support and then I said, after the physical exam, "oh, by the way, I see blood."
I think for the most part, I will play the mental games on 'what if' and try to prepare myself for the worst possible scenerio, and at the same time the positive side. It was almost the same feeling for me when my OB told me years ago that I was pregnant and I gulped, as there was NO way I needed nor wanted to be pregnant. I think we've all had at least one of those moments in our lives. They are life altering! Here I was at 47 being told I had cancer, when what I wanted was to be told I was pregnant! How ironic.
I knew when I made the decision to become my daughter's surrogate that I'd have some tough issues to face at the corporate office. I'm single. I'm in my late 40's. I was preparing mentally for how my co-workers would react to me, how society might react, how friends and family might react. How my insurance would cover the pregnancy, what if I wanted maternity leave? I was trying to sort those thoughts out before I presented it to anyone, and thinking my first stop would be HR to make sure of details I might not have considered.
Sometime this month, 4 years ago I went through some uncomfortable tests. I hope that women will read this and understand - just trust me when I say for us a pelvic exam is a BREEZE. When a doctor says, "I have to do a digital exam" your mind is trying to figure out exactly what type of exam this is...then reality sinks in - ah, I get it. Trust me, it was the most uncomfortable exam I've ever had to go through. When he said, "we might do a sigmoidoscopy" I smiled and said, 'if, and only IF you put me out first." No, I'm not going to apologize for feeling this way, but I can totally empathize with the male population in HATING to go to the doctor for those exams. I will go though the discomfort of a mamogram, because to me my discomfort was how you had to contort your body for the xray. Men, I'm sorry, I'm on YOUR side!
Some of the home tests that had to be done weren't too difficult to do, and then there was the one that was a little more, um, lock the bathroom door type. Then it's making sure to let the kids (adults) know, do not open that little brown bag. I smile at the look on my son's face when the reality of what was in that little brown bag! I appreciate how patient my kids were in supporting me through this time as well, and to be quite honest at this point I wasn't thinking of what they might be feeling, it was only about what I was thinking.
I remember at that time thinking...this could be nothing, but it's a nice test situation. This could be something and we'll figure it out. This could be fatal...hmm, on that part, do I have things in order so my kids don't have to worry?
Get a will. Easy. Do I do this through an attorney? Do I just have it written out and then sign it and hope that the Texas Court will abide by it? What type of will? Obviously I want a living will - for a couple of reasons. IF this is something not good (and even at this time I think in the back of my mind I was thinking cancer it just wasn't a conscience thought, odd as that might sound.) Okay - let's say fatal...the kids HAVE to know that I do not want to be kept alive under artificial means. That is not living, it's existing. My oldest, Melissa, did not appreciate one iota that I was doing the will as to her it was a statement of death. For me, it was to lessen a burden for them. I simply sat around and looked at all my "things" and said in pen, this goes to ...and then hoped that my kids would understand. Here I am four years down the road and my will has never been notorized. It would have been IF...
Mentally I set about trying to figure out bills I owed. How much of what I did monthly could be handled via the internet? Did I sign up for auto pay? This was one of those things I remembered thinking at the time, and then seem to become unimportant. I had recently purchased a new car. Okay, I signed papers for the 5-year term for a new car! My 3rd Saturn. Less than 30-days of signing the note I got my cancer diagnosis. Within 30-days of signing my note I got the "Saturn Survey" to take via the mail. I hadn't filled it out, and received a reminder. I think it was the month later, which would be May I went to the dealership. I remember that at that time I had just started chemo, and had the 24x7 pump on my hip but I covered it with my sweatshirt. I apologized to them for not getting the survey to them sooner, however I had just received my cancer diagnosis and didn't think the survey was that important for me, but then knew that Saturn didn't know why I failed to respond...so here you are...I LOVE MY CAR...I hope I stick around to continue to love my car. I'm sorry Saturn is no longer in business, as they were incredible to me during this time frame. One of the fincance guys came out and told me how sorry he was to learn of my cancer (trust me, they are a family unit there) but on my financial papers one of the things I signed was that in case of death my car would be paid for. I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said, "you know, I cannot thank you enough for telling me this, as I'm looking at any/all debts I have and do not want my children to be burdened by my death." I think they were as touched as I was. Saturn is no longer with us...I am...and in another year the car will be paid off!
