It's been almost a year since I've worked on my blog. It's not because I don't think about it, It's just that I don't think there's anyone but me/Rona following...I laughed at that comment. When I was a teenager I first met Rona and I marvel at how our lives have come back around to be with each other. I admire her strength without even being around her - to FEEL it in her writings, her words to me.
I have also followed a few friend's blogs, disappointed in one who stopped blogging becuase it was a way to keep in touch. Who knows, she may have felt that with 3 young children she didn't have the time. Why have I neglected this? It's theraputic - did I need it? I've been busy this past year, okay? I also feel sometimes that I am pulled in too many different directions and sometimes FAR from where I want to be.
This past year I've pushed myself to end some of my debts. I thought at one point that I was "debt-free" but then a few more surfaced. It's okay - I AM managing my bills and I am okay. Last year I took out a loan off my 401K to pay off my medical, from chemo, which was the largest bill I had. I went through some months of feeling really pissed at the office for doing all these fund raisers for others, and I got nothing from them. Reality tends to slap you in the face, though. Reality, MY cancer came before some of the 'bigger' guys at the office. Maybe I was a prelude. I like that. I am someone that introduce a 'bigger' act. IF I could help others come to terms with cancer, that it wasn't deadly all the time, just devastaing. Financially I DID do this myself, with AEtna - who, in my opinion were FANTASTIC!!! I digress (I tend to do that a lot, too) but I DID pay off my cancer bill, without the assistance of co-workers. In case anyone else is reading this, we DID have fund raisers for about 10 other co-workers, and no, I did not participate. Yes, it might have been bitchy on my part, but you know, it is what it is. If I could do it, so could they. And, maybe because my focus was on ME (selfish) I did not consider how I could help someone else...so before I get blasted...I DID encourage at EVERY point I could. I prayed for them. I had a lot of positive thoughts going in their direction. I thought positively for them. Can you put a price on that? And...they all have 401K's as well...so if they NEEDED, they had too.
I am almost 5 years past my cancer removal. You would think that after 5 years I wouldn't think about it daily. I do. Mr. Wipple is still my best friend (in the guise of Cottonelle Tissue with Aloe) Sorr'y, "Charmin" you simply do not have the extra umph that Cottonelle has, and yes, I'd say I am more of an expert. I look at where I was to where I am. Some days I feel like I've traveled a L O N G way, until I am in the bathroom night after night. Ah, but then it's been quite a while since I threw in the towel at the office and went home due to bathroom issues. I wish that we had a bathroom where I could take my laptop to the office, and sit and work while sitting...but alas, my feet do not touch the ground at the office. They do at home.
Cancer hit my life hard. It hurt my feelings and after 5 years, I'm still hurt by it. My quality of life is still not where it was - will I ever have it again? Maybe I don't need that same quality of life - but a differnent quality? I do not feel the freedom to come/go as I want, but then, was I doing that before? Nah, I think that even before cancer I didn't travel. I WANTED to, but I didn't. So...now if I want to go somewhere I have to plan it out. I MIGHT eat a meal that I know will cause me to be in the bathroom for a few hours, in order to have a day/two okay. This allows me to fly on a plane and get settled before my body adjusts. So, my quality of life is there - I just plan it, not spontaneous.
Maybe being spontaneous isn't a bad thing. I look for the quality of life, and maybe I'm practical, what can I say? I have paid for my trip to St. Augustine end of September. I am hopeful that at the end of the Feast, when I come home with my folks that I'm able to complete the chair reuphostery I started 2 years ago? Fun journey.
Ah...it IS the journey, isn't it? I'm glad that I've taken THIS trip, with the people I've been with. They have formed me, transformed me. Life is good. Sorry it's taken a year to get back to this.
