What goes through your mind...

Do you know what goes through your mind when the doctor says, "you have cancer"? Ah, well, they don't say that. They use the big "6th Grade words" and say, "you have Adenocarcinoma." Uh huh. And your mind goes blank. You have the whatthehellisthatsupposedtomean thought going on. And then the light bulb...Harlean had this. Past tense, had it and recovered. If you recovered why does it come back? And when it comes back it's not Adenocarcinom, it's called something different. A different type of cancer. Adenocarcinom, per Wickapedia, is a cancer of an epithelium that originates in glandular tissue. Do you really think it matters WHERE it is? NO. Trust me, no. It didn't matter whether it was in my lymph nodes, my blood, my tissue, my bone marrow...bottom line, I had cancer. What made mine different than Harlean's? What stage was she at when she had her 1st diagnosis? These are questions I didn't know to ask her and now I can't. The day my doctor said, "you have Adenocarcinoma..." her oncologist told her that her cancer, which had been the Adenocarcinoma years earlier, had now spread to her brain. I don't think it spread to her brain, I think it settled there. Let me find a spot...and if she had been alive she and I would have teased about "let's find the weakest spot and settle there." Ah, this woman had an incredible mind! It wasn't the weakest part of her by any means. Why did mine react so favorably to the radiation/chemo and hers seemed to come back after year 1? I don't remember how many years she had this on-going battle. I know of seven. She'd be almost at that mark and be knocked down again. She said she wanted to be buried beside her husband...but she wanted to make sure that she was facing his grave as she was going to haunt him so badly in the afterlife he'd wish he opted for hell. I'm telling you, this woman had a fantastic outlook! She had lung cancer and never smoked. He died, probably because it was the only way to escape her (although they had a great marriage) and he smoked, but he didn't die of lung cancer, he had a heart attack. She said that she was going to haunt him FOREVER, and she'd say it S L O W L Y...for giving her lung cancer. Yes, she knows he didn't give it to her, but we have to blame. Who did I blame? I'm guessing since I had rectal cancer I can think of several people in my life that it might fit...but then again, they're still alive, so guess not. Interesting fact - my cancer did not hurt. I may have been a pain in the ass, but I didn't have one. Not one iota of pain. If it hadn't been for the fact that I was that in tune with my body I wouldn't have even brought it up to my OB/Gyn. I'm not stupid, I knew that something wasn't right within my body, so I asked. No, I didn't WAIT for my OB visit to ask, I actually scheduled it so I could find out about being the surrogate. I have to wonder how many folks wait and wait, and then where do they end up? I miss Harlean. She had a wonderful sense of humor. I was blessed to have her friendship. I don't grieve at her death, but I miss her terribly and I cry. I went to her grave site, although I didn't find it, I drove around and around looking for it. I thought about how ironic it was that she is ALL around me, even if I can't see her. It makes me feel a lot better about dying. I know that I will be missed and if my loved ones think about me, I'm right there in their thoughts. I may be physically gone, but I'm not gone from thoughts. I am also not saying that I'm ready to die yet, but I don't fear it. I'm not ready to embrace it, but on the other hand am very okay with it. Kris Allen has a song that came out after I my cancer, I think, or maybe that's just when we started really hearing it. Live Like We're Dying. My son and his wife sing it all the time, so do the kids. It's powerful. If this is all we've got, if this is all there is - we SHOULD be living like we're dying, shouldn't we? And if this isn't all there is, then we SHOULD be living like we're dying because then we'll be LIVING, not existing in this life. I don't believe this is all there is, but I do believe that I need to get it right in THIS life to help me for what is in store for me.