Recovering My Couch

One of the things I have not always appreciated is hand-me-downs. This couch, however is not one that I disliked at all. I think from the moment my friend asked me if I wanted it I had visions of what it might look like. The all white sofa that I posted in my first blog...well, it's a maybe one day down the road.
I also surprised a lot of people when the fabric I chose to recover the cushions with was NOT white! I walked into this quaint store in McKinney and this blue caught my eye. I walked away and saw a pink floral, but my eye almost immediately went back to the blue. I think I saw "blue skies" and it was such a pretty shade. Please note, there WERE pink feathers inside this topper though! I had saved a king size feather bed topper I bought years ago and decided to use those feathers to help me have that soft look.









Ripping apart the bed topper was interesting. It didn't take me too long to figure out there would be no easy, clean way of removing the feathers, so I opted to just pull them out, then put them in trash bags until I'm ready to use them. In some ways it made me smile to see all these feathers about - and to also scoop them up in my arms. I was tempted to toss them in the air - and decided against it for 2 reasons. 1. No one was around to take a picture of the fun and 2. probably more importantly, I was the only one here to also clean it up. Logic won.
I'm not totally decided yet on the style, but sometime mid-afternoon my mind saw this idea...Now I have to wait and see how it 'feels.' Thoughts??










Okay, spent a week sleeping on my couch while I had out of town guests. I'm not disappointed in the feel, think my mind still thinks it's supposed to be all white. I did see a fellow blogger post a photo of her re-done chair where she did the same rouching...hers was white.

Maybe what I need is to have the balloon pouff curtain on my window to add an extra touch of the same fabric across the room and perhaps the feeling of being in the clouds will come to fruition? I also decided to use up the scraps with a pillow from a free pattern from JoAnn's Fabric. I also was able to reuse a pillow form that I had, so there was no added expese to this pillow.

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Cinderella Dress

My oldest granddaughter is going to be in her first play. She's in 4th grade and nonchalantly told her mom that she had tried out, and she was going to be Cinderella. I love her joy of life. Now, I've known for about a month that she's going to have this lead role, but it was only last week that her mom found out that she needed a 'modern-day ballgown' and the second costume would be the 'rags'. My mind started spinning at what we could do, what I knew I CAN do, and making it happen.

Where did I put my magic wand?? I happened to pass a garage sale that had pretty close to the same color that Alexis had requested. Didn't need the magic wand, just the guiding hand from Above! So I pick this dress up, that originally cost $450, got it for $50. I ripped it apart - by that I mean, I literally started the deconstruction so that I could adapt a woman's size 8 to fit a little girl size 8. I can do this. I'm looking forward to doing it...I feel very much like the Fairy Godmother, although Alexis in essence waves her hand (as if it's her magic wand) and says, "Grandma can do it" attitude. Grandma can.

This is a Mori Lee ladies size 8 ball gown on my dress form...

and a slight wave of the magic wand...and this is the after, a Little Girl's size 8

Spring...the season of beginnings, right?

I have been pondering this weekend about the people that I know will probably not make it through another year. This may be their last spring. If I knew this would be my last spring what would I change? I'm in the midst of sewing some pillows for a friend. She's got the basics of her living room set, she knows what she wants to see, color wise, and she picked out some interesting fabrics. YEAH me, I am sewing them for her. I'm not an interior designer, I'm an interior DOER...and I really enjoy doing this. Several times today I caught myself thinking...what if this was my last project? I don't know why those thoughts have come to mind so much, although I know the timing of the season and where I was a few years ago. I think my eyesight changed with the chemo - but maybe it changed because I'm getting older? I can still see, I just don't see like I used to. The colors this woman has chosen are vibrant - and full of life. They make me smile - they are not colors I would choose in my own home, because I'm not "bold". I think I'm quiet, unsophisticated. I think that I will feel the loss of my eye sight like I will feel the loss of my friends. I can close my eyes and see their smiles. I can feel their presence. What have I lost?? Harlean died 3 years ago - and I still see her silly smile and it warms me. I have begun to think of life differently once again, and I'm not sure why. It's not a bad thing, and I'm not being morbid. I'm not going to live forever, but am I doing things I need to do NOW? Am I doing what I want to do NOW? If I have one year left...one season left...what will I do? Right now I'm looking forward to creating some pretty curtains for my living room. I found this pretty fabric, shockingly has no pink in it! But when I saw it I was drawn to it. The colors scream PEACE to me. So I got all they had and I'm hoping that I will have enough to do my couch cushions and then add to my curtains...or lack there of. I saw these pretty lace pouffes with a solid behind and I thought...hmmm, why can't I do that with my leftover fabric? We'll see. I got rid of clothes today that I no longer wear. Some remind me of my past and some are styles that are not me, but I wore because I had them. Maybe someone else can enjoy them. I took one sweater and took the beads off of it - took me about a half hour to do...but I'll find some way to re purpose them, as the sweater had holes in it and was not going to Good Will regardless! Who knows, maybe I'll find a way of using those beads on a card for one of the shut ins we have from church...or a get well card? Either way - re purpose. I read someones Blog "a Re-Purposed Life" and it hit a chord with me. That's how I feel I am. I'm re-purposed. Spring means life begins, right? So...let's see how I make this season begin!

My Patio Flowers

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My little herb garden

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My Pink Flowers

I'll add the yellow...they kind of count as being pink because I can see pink IN them, right? That counts, doesn't it? I love the way my patio is looking. I wish I had some Hollyhocks growin up the side of my wall, but they'd need dirt, not concrete beneath them!

My little carnations have the sweetest smell, and the pink roses have very little...but the yellow rose - WOW.

Surrogacy - Gift of Family Love

Around 2006 time frame my daughter had a hysterectomy due to endometriosis. I remember sitting in the waiting room for her to come out but not really thinking of the ramifications of the procedure. I didn't want her suffering as she had been, but it also was an end to any future babies she might want. Ah...babies...those little lovable packages that do not stay little for long...and they grow up to become children. People think about having babies, do they ponder children? Teenagers? Nah, we only think on the good side of babies. She and I went to a friend's baby shower and part way through, as the friend was holding up these cute outfits my daughter had to leave. She didn't make a scene, but I knew she was crying. I went outside to find her sitting in the car. She wasn't feeling sorry for herself, but she was feeling what she had lost. She wasn't unhappy for her friend - far from it - she was THRILLED! Nonetheless...she felt her loss. I pondered this quite a bit. Getting pregnant had never been an issue for me. There was a period of time when I considered becoming a surrogate and discussed with my then, young kids. They weren't quite in their teenage years, ages 7, 9 and 11. They were adamant about "NO" because they didn't want me to give up a brother or sister of theirs, no matter how I cut it - if it was MY egg...it was half theirs. I put that thought on a back burner and respect their wishes. Move the clock forward again and now my daughter cannot have a baby, but wanted one. She was in a new relationship and could not give the gift of a child to her new beau. This got me pondering, once more. It was time for my annual OB check up so I opted to go to the same OB/Gyn that she had used on the endometriosis. If that disease was hereditary, may as well treat the mother as well, I figured. I had met the OB several years before, at the birth of my first granddaughter and liked his demeanor. So we do our lovely exam and he asks if I have any questions. I had 2. One - would/could I be a candidate for being a surrogate at my age? I was 47. Not looking to do this for more than one time, but could I do this? Could I be impregnated by his sperm, her egg and carry their child, my grandchild? I got his 2 thumbs up! So my mind is now thinking past a lot of things...and oh, by the way...item #2, I see blood in my stool. It is a wonderful feeling to be told that physically, emotionally and psychologically I am in great shape to be their surrogate. To give the gift of life. This time, the only one that I had talked to about it was my daughter and we left it on the table to be discussed in the 'not too distant future.' I then started thinking of how you approach the work environment. My co-workers all knew I was single - how do you explain a pregnancy from a "responsible adult?" And how would they accept the fact that I was going to be a surrogate? I didn't ponder who would be in delivery with me, that was a given - it would be an incredible family moment, I felt. I was still pondering the work issue - the insurance issue...time off...things I had never pondered before. Funny how a test can change your life. Now we move forward, maybe a year later? My daughter and I were once again at a baby shower for one of her friends and this time it was me who had to excuse herself quietly from the room. I had the hysterectomy due to my cancer and hadn't thought of anything much about it, except that it might eliminate the possibility of some other cancers. Now, for the first time I was coming face-to-face with what I could no longer do for my daughter. I felt as if I had cheated her. The tears were of what I knew I could no longer give my daughter, just as her tears were what she knew she could not give the man she hoped to marry. It was the right thing to do - for both of us - to have the hysterectomies, but it was also something that we both share and do not talk about. I don't have regrets, but every so often I think of the incredible journey we would have shared together. I cry every so often of what I lost out on, but I also know that it was the right decision to make. We cry at what we feel we've lost, when in reality, I have 6 incredible grandchildren that fill me with joy. Each one of my kids has 2 children to give their love to, and the spouses get to share that love...how blessed are we all? Not with what we "lost" but what we give daily.

I love white...

I thought a little more on my love of white - and smiled. Ah, if it makes people wonder about me, no problem! Tonight I got some great news of one of my friend's sister having lymphoma. Not sure if I have the form of cancer correctly but he said she's past the chemo now and is doing great. It fills my soul with so much joy that she's past that hurdle. I learned that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and Jimmy's sister is well on the road to how tough she really IS! I met yet another cancer survivor tonight - he's 9 years past his cancer and seems to be doing wonderfully. He chose to not go through the chemo/radiation treatments. It makes me ponder all the issues of doing chemo vs. not. Psalms 139:13 "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made..." No kidding. No disrespect either - but something so simple, so profound. Our bodies are designed for a purpose, and I don't know what my purpose is in this life...but I'm working every day to be the best that I am. "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why we call it 'The Present'." attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt and I had this posted once before on my Facebook page. Those of us who've gone through a life altering experience understand why today IS a present. It's not a play on the word, it's reality.

Everything is NOT white

Everything isn't white. Isn't white the absence of all color? I have LOTS of shades of colors in my place. My favorite color is actually pink, but if you ask the kids they'll tell you white! I like the natural shades - they're natural. White is so... Ivory Soap - it's 99 44/100 % pure...clean. It floats like those white puffy clouds that remind me of a summer day in Iowa as a kid, hanging out on the farm feeding the animals. The sheets blowing in the wind, knowing when you put them back on the bed you cannot wait to climb in and smell the freshness. You sleep better! White towels to dry off on after taking a bath makes me feel clean. Hey, I use pink soap. I like white pearl earrings, as they make me feel worthy. I think of the oyster (who has a white shell, doesn't it?) who works really hard at this irritation to create this beautiful white sphere. I have pinks, greens, blues and lavenders throughout my things. I love how the white shows them off. Ever notice how striking a little ivy plant looks when it's on a white shelf? It shines out LIFE. White is not death. It doesn't begin to even touch death. If you have to give a color to stress, unhappiness, cancer - what color would it be? For me, it's dark. Sometimes it was black - like a deep hole you are surrounded by...and off in the distance is the white - "come this way." I know of the times in my life when I was unhappy and stressed and things felt out of my control to change. I realized, like that oyster that I could end up with something wonderful if I worked to get out of the darkness. Cancer has some really dark spots in it and if you think about it too much you might sink deeper and deeper inside. I think it was at this time when I really started to pull more white into my life. I painted my bedroom furniture white - to go with my white sheets and pillows. I think for as long as I was in bed I needed to be surrounded by pureness, cleanness. I felt dirty inside, and there isn't anything really clean about how you feel. Yes, I like white. It's a breath of fresh air. I did have white car a while back, but it was totalled in an accident. I got a sapphire one - birthstone, why not? Then a champagne color...little insightful on myself. Funny - my current car is called "Storm Gray" and for the first month of having the new car it rained every day! Ah...it was also the time when I received my cancer diagnosis, too. I've kept telling myself that I'm going to trade it when it's paid off. Will be my 5-year mark of being cancer free. Guilty of thinking, "My next car is going to be the pearlized white!" Go figure, huh? At this point I'm not sure what I will do, but I'm working on the white slip covers for my couch - the kind that might remind you of a marshmallow...that you can sink into it's comfort. I have s deep sage green recliner that reminds me of the forest, peaceful, natural, soothing. I have a fair amount of crystal or glassware. Whether it's my apothecary jars filled with dried white roses with a strand of pearls in it, or the cut crystal decanter full of white and cream antique buttons, or my Swarvoski crystal rose, like me, has been broken but still shines. I don't mind being transparent. I don't mind being clean. I don't mind shining. Now days, when I look in the mirror I even like my reflection. I don't see the dark side. I don't see the unhappiness. I don't see cancer. Hey...I even see my white scar, my badge of honor.

Little Herb Garden

I added some pictures of my lavender and spearmint. I wish you could run your hand through all of these and smell! I love my little herb garden, if nothing more it makes me smile! Here's my very first herb garden. I woud have never known until I planted, but if you rub your hands on the leaves you really get this incredible aroma! Made me want to go fix something, although my herbs need a week or two, I think. Cilantro, Greek Oregano, German Thyme, Sweet Basil and Curled Parsley. I wish you could smell this! I'm looking forward to being able to sit on my patio, watching the sun set with a glass of wine and smelling this incredible aroma!

Spring is finally starting to blossom on my patio.

Not that you can get a good feel of it yet, but there's just a hint of the flowers coming to life. Dare I mention the rabbit that ate my white tulips that had bloomed only a day?

What goes through your mind...

Do you know what goes through your mind when the doctor says, "you have cancer"? Ah, well, they don't say that. They use the big "6th Grade words" and say, "you have Adenocarcinoma." Uh huh. And your mind goes blank. You have the whatthehellisthatsupposedtomean thought going on. And then the light bulb...Harlean had this. Past tense, had it and recovered. If you recovered why does it come back? And when it comes back it's not Adenocarcinom, it's called something different. A different type of cancer. Adenocarcinom, per Wickapedia, is a cancer of an epithelium that originates in glandular tissue. Do you really think it matters WHERE it is? NO. Trust me, no. It didn't matter whether it was in my lymph nodes, my blood, my tissue, my bone marrow...bottom line, I had cancer. What made mine different than Harlean's? What stage was she at when she had her 1st diagnosis? These are questions I didn't know to ask her and now I can't. The day my doctor said, "you have Adenocarcinoma..." her oncologist told her that her cancer, which had been the Adenocarcinoma years earlier, had now spread to her brain. I don't think it spread to her brain, I think it settled there. Let me find a spot...and if she had been alive she and I would have teased about "let's find the weakest spot and settle there." Ah, this woman had an incredible mind! It wasn't the weakest part of her by any means. Why did mine react so favorably to the radiation/chemo and hers seemed to come back after year 1? I don't remember how many years she had this on-going battle. I know of seven. She'd be almost at that mark and be knocked down again. She said she wanted to be buried beside her husband...but she wanted to make sure that she was facing his grave as she was going to haunt him so badly in the afterlife he'd wish he opted for hell. I'm telling you, this woman had a fantastic outlook! She had lung cancer and never smoked. He died, probably because it was the only way to escape her (although they had a great marriage) and he smoked, but he didn't die of lung cancer, he had a heart attack. She said that she was going to haunt him FOREVER, and she'd say it S L O W L Y...for giving her lung cancer. Yes, she knows he didn't give it to her, but we have to blame. Who did I blame? I'm guessing since I had rectal cancer I can think of several people in my life that it might fit...but then again, they're still alive, so guess not. Interesting fact - my cancer did not hurt. I may have been a pain in the ass, but I didn't have one. Not one iota of pain. If it hadn't been for the fact that I was that in tune with my body I wouldn't have even brought it up to my OB/Gyn. I'm not stupid, I knew that something wasn't right within my body, so I asked. No, I didn't WAIT for my OB visit to ask, I actually scheduled it so I could find out about being the surrogate. I have to wonder how many folks wait and wait, and then where do they end up? I miss Harlean. She had a wonderful sense of humor. I was blessed to have her friendship. I don't grieve at her death, but I miss her terribly and I cry. I went to her grave site, although I didn't find it, I drove around and around looking for it. I thought about how ironic it was that she is ALL around me, even if I can't see her. It makes me feel a lot better about dying. I know that I will be missed and if my loved ones think about me, I'm right there in their thoughts. I may be physically gone, but I'm not gone from thoughts. I am also not saying that I'm ready to die yet, but I don't fear it. I'm not ready to embrace it, but on the other hand am very okay with it. Kris Allen has a song that came out after I my cancer, I think, or maybe that's just when we started really hearing it. Live Like We're Dying. My son and his wife sing it all the time, so do the kids. It's powerful. If this is all we've got, if this is all there is - we SHOULD be living like we're dying, shouldn't we? And if this isn't all there is, then we SHOULD be living like we're dying because then we'll be LIVING, not existing in this life. I don't believe this is all there is, but I do believe that I need to get it right in THIS life to help me for what is in store for me.

When I started doing my Will I also started a journal. I will admit, I didn't get really far in the journaling - chemo takes over the brain and you don't necessarily think correctly. It was odd - I could work my normal day, albeit at home, but I was focused on the work. As soon as I'd quit for the day it was as if a signal hit my brain and turned it off. You hear people talk about "chemo brain" or "mud brain." You don't want it, but in a sense it was also peaceful to not have my mind turning over thoughts! I wished I had the foresight to ask one of my kids to write for me. If you would talk to me I could keep a conversation, but to think and write somehow there was a disconnect for me.

Going to treatments was something I wanted to do alone. I didn't want anyone sitting there feeling sorry for me. I didn't want anyone to see me cry when they gave me the injection. I don't know whether I could say that it was really THAT much pain, or was it that it hurt my feelings to have it. The Cancer Staff - there simply aren't enough words to use to express my gratitude to them. The most compassionate people I have ever been blessed to be with - we worked together through this. We cried together. We laughed together. We held hands sometimes and said nothing at all, but sigh, and it was understood that this really sucked. (sorry Dad, there really isn't another word I can think of) At the end of it all, I wouldn't trade those people and I miss them...don't want to go back and do it all over again, but I miss them.

You think about phrases like "death warmed over" as you're laying back in your chair getting your infusion. Ah...you are a lucky one, you're on the good chemo. You're not going to lose your hair. And you look over and you see someone with ashened skin, and you KNOW. And the next week, you all come together again and do it all over again, and you look to make sure that person is there, and they're not. And you KNOW. And you think. And you cry inside, and hope that your eyes aren't letting go of the tears. You hope that you can smile when someone looks your way. It was always odd how my volunteer lady would come up just when I needed her the most and ask if she could get me anything. Just the touch of her hand on my arm, feeling her warmth; feeling her love.

It took me a long time before I would look UP when I entered the Cancer Center. If you look up, you see people. And they are there for the same thing you are. And there is always a FULL room. You go into the bathroom - and look in the mirror and you see what THEY see. Ah, you're looking rather pathetic, even if you do have hair. And then someonen comes into the bathroom and sees your reflection and says, "Can I give you a hug? I just want you to know that it wasn't that long ago I was YOU...and you will get better." And you cry together. No one was ashamed to have tears and no one judged you either.

I'm 4 years down the road and you know what? I still cry. It still hurts. It was yesterday. I feel my mediport scar and I stop and catch my breath...it's still there. I want someone to tell me that next year I won't feel this way.

Cancer, welcome to my life

Four years ago this past month I went in for my routine 'female exam' as we tend to call it. My daughter and I had been discussing her desire to have a baby with her new beau, but her inability to do so because of her hysterectomy. I thought about how incredible it would be to help them have a baby, she was okay with the idea, so I went to my OB/Gyn and talked to him about becoming a surrogate. I got a huge "thumbs up" from him, total support and then I said, after the physical exam, "oh, by the way, I see blood."

I think for the most part, I will play the mental games on 'what if' and try to prepare myself for the worst possible scenerio, and at the same time the positive side. It was almost the same feeling for me when my OB told me years ago that I was pregnant and I gulped, as there was NO way I needed nor wanted to be pregnant. I think we've all had at least one of those moments in our lives. They are life altering! Here I was at 47 being told I had cancer, when what I wanted was to be told I was pregnant! How ironic.

I knew when I made the decision to become my daughter's surrogate that I'd have some tough issues to face at the corporate office. I'm single. I'm in my late 40's. I was preparing mentally for how my co-workers would react to me, how society might react, how friends and family might react. How my insurance would cover the pregnancy, what if I wanted maternity leave? I was trying to sort those thoughts out before I presented it to anyone, and thinking my first stop would be HR to make sure of details I might not have considered.

Sometime this month, 4 years ago I went through some uncomfortable tests. I hope that women will read this and understand - just trust me when I say for us a pelvic exam is a BREEZE. When a doctor says, "I have to do a digital exam" your mind is trying to figure out exactly what type of exam this is...then reality sinks in - ah, I get it. Trust me, it was the most uncomfortable exam I've ever had to go through. When he said, "we might do a sigmoidoscopy" I smiled and said, 'if, and only IF you put me out first." No, I'm not going to apologize for feeling this way, but I can totally empathize with the male population in HATING to go to the doctor for those exams. I will go though the discomfort of a mamogram, because to me my discomfort was how you had to contort your body for the xray. Men, I'm sorry, I'm on YOUR side!

Some of the home tests that had to be done weren't too difficult to do, and then there was the one that was a little more, um, lock the bathroom door type. Then it's making sure to let the kids (adults) know, do not open that little brown bag. I smile at the look on my son's face when the reality of what was in that little brown bag! I appreciate how patient my kids were in supporting me through this time as well, and to be quite honest at this point I wasn't thinking of what they might be feeling, it was only about what I was thinking.

I remember at that time thinking...this could be nothing, but it's a nice test situation. This could be something and we'll figure it out. This could be fatal...hmm, on that part, do I have things in order so my kids don't have to worry?

Get a will. Easy. Do I do this through an attorney? Do I just have it written out and then sign it and hope that the Texas Court will abide by it? What type of will? Obviously I want a living will - for a couple of reasons. IF this is something not good (and even at this time I think in the back of my mind I was thinking cancer it just wasn't a conscience thought, odd as that might sound.) Okay - let's say fatal...the kids HAVE to know that I do not want to be kept alive under artificial means. That is not living, it's existing. My oldest, Melissa, did not appreciate one iota that I was doing the will as to her it was a statement of death. For me, it was to lessen a burden for them. I simply sat around and looked at all my "things" and said in pen, this goes to ...and then hoped that my kids would understand. Here I am four years down the road and my will has never been notorized. It would have been IF...

Mentally I set about trying to figure out bills I owed. How much of what I did monthly could be handled via the internet? Did I sign up for auto pay? This was one of those things I remembered thinking at the time, and then seem to become unimportant. I had recently purchased a new car. Okay, I signed papers for the 5-year term for a new car! My 3rd Saturn. Less than 30-days of signing the note I got my cancer diagnosis. Within 30-days of signing my note I got the "Saturn Survey" to take via the mail. I hadn't filled it out, and received a reminder. I think it was the month later, which would be May I went to the dealership. I remember that at that time I had just started chemo, and had the 24x7 pump on my hip but I covered it with my sweatshirt. I apologized to them for not getting the survey to them sooner, however I had just received my cancer diagnosis and didn't think the survey was that important for me, but then knew that Saturn didn't know why I failed to respond...so here you are...I LOVE MY CAR...I hope I stick around to continue to love my car. I'm sorry Saturn is no longer in business, as they were incredible to me during this time frame. One of the fincance guys came out and told me how sorry he was to learn of my cancer (trust me, they are a family unit there) but on my financial papers one of the things I signed was that in case of death my car would be paid for. I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said, "you know, I cannot thank you enough for telling me this, as I'm looking at any/all debts I have and do not want my children to be burdened by my death." I think they were as touched as I was. Saturn is no longer with us...I am...and in another year the car will be paid off!

What my couch wants to become...it's inside there, I know just waiting to unveil!

Today is the beginning...

For a while I've wanted to share my story - maybe it's only to myself as a life journey? Maybe someone will see something I've done and say, "wow, I'd like to copy that." Imitation is the truest form of flattery, isn't it? There are many women in Blogville who inspire me. We are a sisterhood of creators, caregivers, lovers of life. Maybe I'll inspire someone too.